How to practise forgiveness by Trishna Patnaik
The best revenge is not to be like your enemy- Marcus Aurelius
We’ve all heard the admonition “you need to forgive and forget.” Many of us heard this as a child from our parents when we had been wronged by a sibling or friend. We were told to turn the other cheek and give our pals another chance.
Some of us learned the idea behind this was the golden rule — do to others what we would have them do to us. As parents can be quick to point out, we’ve certainly been guilty of committing our own transgressions and needing forgiveness.
Our parents were not wrong. Knowing how to forgive someone is an essential life skill. It serves us well in our love lives and professional relationships. It saves friendships and restores our faith in our kids. And we definitely benefit from it when those in our lives are able to forgive us when we inevitably screw up.
Forgiving is critical to our emotional health. By refusing to forgive someone, we’re choosing to hold on to all the anger and bitterness that their actions have created. When we choose to hold onto this anger and let it eat us up, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted and even physically ill. Forgiveness is all about us and not about the other person. We don’t forgive other people because they deserve it. If that were the litmus test for when to forgive, it would rarely ever happen. Instead we choose to forgive those who have hurt us because we cannot fully let go of the destructive emotions inside of us until we do. Forgiveness is not a justice issue; it’s a heart issue.
We can learn from past experiences. We need to take what we can learn, be mindful of the lesson and move on. This may mean moving on with or without the person who hurt us. Even in the middle of the situation, we can learn something about ourselves — what pushes our buttons, where we might have sensitivities and how we handle getting hurt by someone we care about. With this new knowledge, we’re better equipped for future relationships and the inevitable conflicts that will come with them.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn't always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender has died or is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible — even if reconciliation isn't.
What if the person I'm forgiving doesn't change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words isn't the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.
What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses.
Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.
The Psychology of Forgiveness
Do we really forgive and forget? This old saying is not beneficial in real life as our brains find it hard to forget upsetting events. In life, there are undoubtedly some wrongs that will not be forgotten. These wrongs should be remembered to ensure that we do not endure the same pain again. Therefore, forgetting is unlikely but we can learn to forgive.
We have all experienced hurt and betrayal – some experiencing greater amounts than others. Everyone can relate to holding a grudge that’s gone on for too long or feeling guilty for a mistake. As humans, mistakes are easy to make but forgiveness is not as easy. Forgiveness may be the last thing on our minds when someone does something awful but it is not just for the perpetrator- it’s essential for our own well-being. Initially, you may feel hurt and a surge of other negative emotions and this is okay and natural. However, if you hold on to these negative emotions for too long it can have a negative impact on your life and cause you to ruminate on the past.
Forgiveness cannot be forced – it is a choice you must make yourself. It takes courage and a lot of effort and patience. It is often a long and difficult process. If we do choose to forgive it is a way to release the distress and negative emotions associated with the memory of the incident/incidents.
To forgive does not mean that you forget the experience. It also does not mean that you are condoning what happened or minimising the offence. It is not a sign of weakness. If anything, it is a sign of great strength to be able to move forward from a painful past.
Forgiveness allows us to move on; it removes us from feelings of anger and hate. Everyone has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive. Forgiveness allows us to leave what is in the past in the past and focus on our present and future.
Why this matters
The fact that forgiveness can influence our ability to forget details about an offence is of particular interest in view of the potential associated health benefits. Indeed, a whole new line of enquiry has begun to reveal numerous benefits for a forgiving individual. These include reduced risk of heart attack, reduced blood pressure and pain and improved cholesterol and sleep. There are also associations with lower levels of depression, hostility, anger, paranoia and inferiority.
Sweet mercy is nobility’s true badge - William Shakespeare
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness
When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticised you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you.
These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness — even vengeance.
But if you don't practise forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?
Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you're a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.
What are the effects of holding a grudge?
If you're unforgiving, you might:
Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
Become depressed or anxious
Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others
How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalised process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:
Recognise the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
Consider joining a support group or seeing a counsellor
Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behaviour and work to release them
Choose to forgive the person who's offended you
Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation has had in your life
As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.
What happens if I can't forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who's hurt you doesn't admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck:
Practise empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view
Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation
Reflect on times you've hurt others and on those who've forgiven you
Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider or an impartial loved one or friend
Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
- Mark Twain
About the author
Trishna Patnaik, a BSc (in Life Sciences) and MBA (in Marketing) by qualification but an artist by choice. A self-taught artist based in Mumbai, Trishna has been practising art for over 14 years. After she had a professional stint in various reputed corporates, she realised that she wanted to do something more meaningful. She found her true calling in her passion that is painting. Trishna is now a full-time professional painter pursuing her passion to create and explore to the fullest. She says, "It’s a road less travelled but a journey that I look forward to everyday." Trishna also conducts painting workshops across Mumbai and other metropolitan cities of India. Trishna is an art therapist and healer. She works with clients on a one on one basis in Mumbai.
Trishna fancies the art of creative writing and is dappling her hands in that too, to soak in the experience and have an engagement with readers, wanderers and thinkers.